None of this makes sense!
by SilverWolfSingsToTheMoon
Summary: This is an example of what you do when you have too much caffeine and you are trapped in your room. You get stories with these characters the trio, Draco a pyscho splitpersonality hungover Author, a demon, and two completely unrealted stories


_HI EVERYBODY! This is a warning of what happens to you when you consume too much alcohol and red bull at the same time. You get stories like these running around your head…_

_**-SilverWolfSingsToTheMoon**_

_Author sits looking blankly at screen_.

Author: Must write a non-fluffy or really angsty fiction…

Harry, Ron and Hermione appear 

Author: Arrrrgh! _(Faints)_

Harry: Uh-oh.

Hermione: Told you she could do it without us.

Ron: She can't do anything at the moment! She's out cold!

All stare at Author.

Author (_wakes up suddenly, scares everybody_): What the hell are you doing here?

Hermione: We came to try and help you with a fanfic. You've got way too much romantic stuff!

Ron _(quickly): _It can be fluffy! Just not _too_ much fluff – and pleeeeeeeease don't kill us off!

Draco: And what is your obsession with Draco/Hermione fics?

Author: Where'd he come from?

Draco _(continuing): _I mean, I know I'm sexy but…_Ron and Hermione both hit him_

Author: What the hell are you doing here?

Harry: You already asked that.

Author: What did I drink last night?

Ron (_counting on fingers_): Let's see. Three bottles of cranberry Barcardis, not including the two strawberry Daiquiris you topped them off with. Half a bottle of chocolate liqueur. Several spritzers, heavy on the wine. That's it.

Hermione: You forgot the vodka shots.

Draco: Those don't count; she kept spitting them out again.

Hermione: That doesn't mean she didn't drink any. She was too pissed to know what was going on by the end.

Author: How long have you lot been spying on me?

Harry _(defensively):_ Just from last night. We were going to try and inspire you to write an orgy fic…

Hermione: No we weren't!

Harry:…but you passed out on us. Pity, anything written in that state would be interesting to say the least.

Author: I can't write anything when I'm unconscious. How come I don't have a hangover?

Draco: We gave you a little spell. If you'd been hung over when you first saw us, you'd have just said 'I'm hallucinating' and gone to sleep again.

Author: Ok, so you want –

Draco _butts in_: You didn't answer my first question.

Author: What?

Draco: What IS it with you and Draco/Hermione fics?

Author: Think it's because it's really unlikely to happen I like stuff like that.

Draco: Well, snogging is just boring now, could you speed it up – _Hermione slaps him, Harry and Ron lunge_

Author: OK. THAT'S IT!

Silence. Tumbleweed blows in background 

Author: Are you going to help me or bring back my hangover?

All (meekly): Help you. Cough master cough

Author: OK, first up, I'M NOT writing an orgy fic. Any ideas?

Draco: Need coffee…

Author: Right, in this fic, we have Draco obsessed with coffee. Next?

Harry: A really fluff fic where everybody ends up with the person they love and there's a multiple marriage?

Author bangs head against wall 

Ron: That's a no. What about one where one of us becomes possessed and goes bonkers?

Author: That's in the other fic I'm working on. It's crap.

_Silence for a long time._

Author: Shall I just write about now? Nobody will believe it.

All: OK.

Author types 

Draco: NEED COFFEE NOW! _Harry conjures one to keep him quiet._

_All look over Author's shoulder – she is typing complete lies._

Hermione: HEY! I did not kiss Draco when I saw him!

Harry: Neither did I! _Evil snicker from Author_

One of the Author's little demons appear 

Bleeargh: Hi everybody! I'm one of the voices that live in the Author's head!

The other one appears 

Mwurble: I'm the other one!

Together: We're both evil!

Mwurble: We're telling the Author what to write! We don't need you!

_Trio + Draco folds arms, plainly not going anywhere._

Draco: Where the f--- did you things come from?

Author: SILENCE, INFIDEL!

Tumbleweed working overtime 

Bleeargh: Calm down girlie, they're just trying to help.

Harry _undertone_: You changed your mind quick.

Author: What is going on?

Gemma (another voice in head): Your hangover's coming back, which is why you are pissed.

Lauren (another one!): Hey, I wanted to tell her that!

Gemma: Shut up.

Lauren: YOU SHUT UP! YOU WERE ONLY A TEMP FOR WHEN I WAS ON HOLIDAY! I NEVER ASKED YOU TO STAY!

Gemma: THE AUTHOR INVITED ME TO STAY! SO YOU CAN JUST PISS OFF!

Author: SHUT UP! MY HANGOVER!

_Three-girl bitch fight! (Inside Author's head)_

Fred+George (mah boyz): Have a Canary Cream!

Shove it into Hermione's mouth – one min featherness ensues. 

OK, all-powerful author here. Ran out of ideas for this story, so let's look at what the Author in the story above typed into her computer…

_Harry walks into common room. It's deserted. There are voices._

Harry: Hello?

_Muffled giggles._

Harry: Who's there? Ginny?

_Whispers, then Ginny pops up._

Ginny: CHARGE!

The entire girl's section of Gryffindor leaps out sofa, the fireplace, etc., and stampedes Harry.

Harry: HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ron stumbles out, blearily.

Ron: Huh? _Sees crowd _Oh I get it…RUN!

Sprint out of Gryffindor Tower 

Harry: What is going on?

Ron: At a guess, they want to give you a makeover.

Harry: How do you reckon?

Ron: Because Hermione was waving a tube of lipstick as she charged at you.

Harry: Oh. In that case, let's keep running until we've lost them.

Professor McGonagall leaps out of door, trying to rugby tackle Harry 

McGonagall: Gotcha…arrrgghhhh!

Crashes into suit of armor and knocks herself out. Harry and Ron notice she is carrying a palette of eye shadows. Harry: Should we help her? Ron: Nah. Just keep running. Distant voice from somewhere – 

Vaguely Recognizable voice: NEED BLOOD! NOW!

Ron: That sounds like…

Harry:…the Author? But she doesn't drink blood!

Ron: she does now!

They run and hide in the dungeons.

Harry: Eeeew! It's all wet!

Ron: Um, Harry?

Harry: Sorry.

Next second, girls run past hiding place. The boys trip up Hermione.

Hermione: I'll bash your heads in, you stupid ing cs!

Harry: OK, that was strange. Do you know why the Gryffindors want to make me wear make-up?

Hermione: The Author wrote that, it was not our fault. We don't know.

Harry: What's going on now?

Hermione: Well, the Author is in the story and as you know she's a complete - _ceiling shakes - _um…well, she's written herself in as a vampire, and she wants blood. The others are racing round the castle and the first to get back to the Author will be eaten!

Ron: Why are they racing?

Hermione: Duh! They want to see the Author.

Harry + Ron: Okaaaaay…

Ron: Why did you swear at us?

Hermione: I won't get to see the Author now! I hate you!

Harry: (_whispers at Ron)_ I think this Author has taken over their brains.

Ron: Duh!

Hermione: (_kicks Harry_): Get off me! If I detour, I'll get there quicker!

Harry + Ron: Oh no you don't!

Hermione bites them 

Harry + Ron: Ouch!

Hermione: This is for making me lose! (_Kicks them where the sun don't shine_)

Harry + Ron: OUCH!

Author's voice: Mwahaha! Goodbye Neville! (Loud crunching noises)

Hermione: _Neville _won the race?

Ron (strained): At least we've not been hypnotized or whatever has happened to Hermione.

Hermione: There is nothing wrong with me!

Harry: Yeah, you're just suffering a slight attack of my-brain's-been-taken-over-by-an-evil-thing-itis.

Hermione gets bored, falls over and goes to sleep.

Ron _(gaping)_: Huh? That was random!

Harry: This whole day is whacked. It's not even nine!

A sixth year with a crowd following skips past.

Sixth year: Aggggaaaaaa moo-moo-moo

Push those cowses end up squashed

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha

Bite my neck and puke up froth…

Harry and Ron wonder what the hell is going on. Hermione wakes up and bashes their heads together, knocking them out. 

LATER

Harry and Ron come round. Hermione regains her senses.

Hermione: What just happened?

Harry: You crept up on us and knocked us out.

Hermione: Did not.

Ron: Did too. You also wanted to be eaten by the Author.

Hermione: Ok. So I had my mind taken over by something, did I? Cos I don't remember that.

Harry: I think we need to go kill the Author. She has the ultimate power over us!

Maniacal giggle from somewhere. Ron starts tap dancing while looking at his feet in horror.

Hermione: Right, we have to kill the Author. Not JK Rowling though, otherwise nobody will know what happens to us in the professional series.

Ron (dancing past): Help!

Harry: If this isn't THE Author, then who is it?

Hermione: Probably somebody completely idiotic with nothing better to do than torture us.

Hermione turns to help Ron; while her back is turned Harry turns into a very large, hungry-looking monster.

Ron: H-h-h-Harry?

Harry/monster: RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRR!

Hermione: Ron, you know that when the story warps this way, there's only one adequate word.

Ron: What?

Hermione: RUN!

They run, the Harry/Monster chasing. Luna randomly pops up from somewhere.

Luna: Hi, everybody!

Hermione: Hi, Dr Nick!…what is with me? Luna, run! The Fake Author's turned Harry into a monster!

Luna: Bye everybody! _Disappears again_

Harry chases the other two into a room. Ron stands on a table and starts singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'. This convinces Harry that Ron would probably disagree with his stomach. Hermione's head falls of and Ron spins it on a finger.

Hermione Head: Put me down, I have to get back to my body before Harry eats it!

Harry: What's going on? _Author has returned him to normal._

Ron: _Sees that Hermione's head has come off (finally)_: Aaaaargh!

Hermione: Put my head back on NOW!

Ron does so, very gingerly 

Author's Voice: BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE! WANT BLOOD NOW!

Hermione (losing it): Oh SHUT THE UP!

Silence

The gang is no longer in the little room – they are in the great hall. Snape is lying dead in front of the Author's feet.

Author: That'll teach you to boycott shampoo for fifteen years.

Harry and Ron start cheering, stop when Author zaps them 

Harry (smoking gently): what was that for?

Author: I was bored.

Ron: Well, this stories fairly boring. It's weird; all right, what with Harry the Monster, me the dancer/singer and Hermione the Possessed…

Hermione: NEED BLOOD! _(Appears to be struggling) _That was not me! She's in my head!

Ron:…as I said. But where are the laughs? The only vaguely funny bit was when the Gryffindors wanted to give Harry make-up.

Author: OK, that's IT! _Flies at Ron, baring teeth. Ron leaps aside, Author send Hermione flying into wall._

Voldemort appears 

Voldemort: Must kill Boy Who Lived to Annoy Me!

Hermione: Not you too… off, you ing pile of !

Voldemort: You used a bad word! I'm telling mummy!

Silence as everybody stares 

Voldemort: Um…I meant…DIE MUDBLOOD! Avada…_Voldemort disappears again. Everybody looks at Author._

Author: What? He bores me.

Hermione sniggers 

Author: NO! Cannot stand Mudblood's laughter_! Explodes_

Trio: YAY! She's gone!

Hermione: Wait, she can't be, or this story will have ended.

Harry: Maybe she's just gone back to Boring World and is just writing about us, rather than interfering directly.

Cho runs into room 

Cho: Harry! You've got to come quick! Terry Boot just dropped dead in the Transfiguration classroom!

Ron: So much for hoping we were back to normal.

Race to Transfiguration 

Evil Demon: MWAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE KILLED HIM! AHA!

Hermione: Why Terry?

Demon: Cause I felt like it raspberry

THE END


End file.
